Reality.

Not much has been happening worth blogging about, but stuff has been happening. Haven't decided yet whether to blog about it all. The basic life stuff marches on: trying to keep up with the yard work, carry out my over-optimistic plans (if they're not over-optimistic, what's the point?) for various plantings and features. Also keeping up with just ordinary chores. Family's coming for a visit this week which is exciting and very, very welcome.

But running always behind and beyond any life stuff, good or bad, fun or work or ordinary or exciting, is a kind of ... hum. It's a baseline in the back of my head from ghods know where, childhood or whatever. My lifelong constant background of feeling inadequate, incompetent, not good enough, not smart enough, not Enough enough. And it's exhausting because on top of the energy required to keep the house and the yard and my own interests and friendships and family-ships going there's this 10 Ton weight of Inadequacy I have to haul up the hill, every time.  I don't know what I'm doing, I've NEVER known what the hell I was doing, and I never will and if I don't make a complete lethal disaster out of it (whatever It is) it certainly won't be my doing.

I think maybe I should save up for a week at a spa where you don't have to do anything at all for yourself. Somebody else cooks and serves the food and somebody else does the laundry and there are no decisions and no responsibilities and you don't have to think about anything at all for a week. Sounds good to me.